Therapy for couples
You love each other, but you’re stuck in seemingly unresolvable patterns of conflict, misunderstanding, hurt, distance, or loneliness. You may be:
Feeling unable to communicate or be understood
Repeating arguments without resolution or change
Feeling like “roommates”
Recovering from betrayal
Holding resentment
Walking on eggshells
Feeling disconnected
Love and shared history aren’t enough, and that’s not your fault. One of the hardest things about being in intimate relationship is that we all operate largely from unconscious, survival-based parts of ourselves in that context. Our nervous systems act to protect us, and whether we wish for it or not, they will run based on old, inherited stories; wounds that occurred long ago; deeply held (but perhaps unseen) memories of when you felt abandoned, forced, or misunderstood; and related strategies learned early in life. If not understood and addressed, this can wreak havoc on connection between partners.
We can shed light on all of this and understand it without blame, and you can build a more secure, rewarding, and stress-resistant relationship that rests on a foundation of collaboration, fairness, mutuality, sensitivity, and safety.
My approach
My approach to working with couples is grounded primarily in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy, or PACT, an orientation that aims to create secure functioning in your relationship.
Together, in the room, you’ll learn more effective ways to “read” each other; to respond in ways that support trust, safety, and closeness; and to understand how early life experiences influence and show up in your relationship.
PACT is an active, experiential treatment. We might begin by talking about a conflict that arose for you earlier in the week. However, instead of simply problem-solving for it in session, we’ll attune to what’s happening between you in real time. I’ll be paying attention to subtle, moment-to-moment shifts in your faces, bodies and voices, while keeping in mind what you’ve shared about your histories and early experiences. I’ll also support you to do the same with each other. By slowing down and bringing curiosity and compassion to what we notice at this deeper level, you’ll get to create and try out new ways of responding and interacting. This means not just having something new to try later at home, but actually shifting, experiencing, and feeling something different in session.
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PACT draws on and integrates three core domains: attachment theory, developmental neuroscience, and arousal regulation. Plainly, this means we’re working with the following:
For all of us, how we show up in relationship is shaped by our early-life experiences with connection. Was it safe, dependable, and what you needed? Or was it unpredictable, conditional, overbearing, or misattuned?
We’ll understand your “attachment style” without pathologizing. I’ll also support you to not take each other’s reactions personally and to respond in ways that promote security, safety, trust, and connection between you.
The parts of us that tend to run the show in intimate relationship are largely unconscious, non-verbal, and operating at lightning speed. We’re biologically wired to keep ourselves safe and to respond to threats automatically, before thinking. While this is completely natural, it easily results in misappraisals, misunderstandings, biases, and other challenges in close relationship.
We’ll understand what happens in your brain and your nervous system when under stress. We can’t talk nervous systems out of playing their protective role, but we can find ways to soothe and stimulate them. I’ll also support you to slow down and access the parts of you that can create connection in stressful moments.
What we’ll work towards
The intention is for you to create secure functioning in your relationship, which means:
Operating within a shared framework:
You’ll develop a mutual understanding of why you’re choosing each other and a vision for where you’re headed.
You’ll co-create agreements that will govern how you treat each other and ensure safety, connection, and security, especially in difficult moments.
Building a co-created system that’s designed to withstand stress. You’ll learn in session to:
Fight fair and with sensitivity.
Stop blaming each other, and work on your relationship instead of each other.
Repair quickly and effectively.
Better understand yourselves and each other, including underlying histories, neurobiological realities, and what drives your personal and shared patterns.
“Read” each other more accurately and respond in ways that put difficult moments on a better course.
